Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Advice For Getting Wild In The Wild

On a very serioius site about going outdoors, I have also found several advices about how to have sex when you are in the wild. So, for all you nature lovers here they are.

Camping can be a special time for a couple. Whether it is a first weekend away or a well-deserved break from the kids, camping can be a time for couples to discover each other, unwind, relax, and in the words of Austin Powers, "shag." Although there isn't a specific protocol for getting wild in the wild, we offer you ten tips to help prevent annoying nearby campers, or getting caught in a compromising position.

Keep it quiet. Sure it may seem outright primeval to just let it all hang out but your cries of passion can be downright annoying to those around you. Whether you have to bite down on something or hold a sweatshirt over your face try to keep the noise down to a minimum. This is especially true along water where sound can travel for great distances.

Bodily fluids are tough on sleeping bags. Sweat and body oils work on breaking down the materials of your sleeping bag. If you have plans to answer the call of the wild when on your camping trip consider bringing a blanket to absorb the brunt of your activity.

Be careful in bear country. There is a lot of debate on whether doing it in the wild attracts bears. There have been several documented cases of couples being attacked during or just after the act. What isn't know is whether the attack was brought on by the odors and/or noise of the activity, or due to inattention to the fact that a bear is in the campsite. If you are in serious bear country, consider saving the urge for another time.

Watch out for the RV rock. If you are in an RV or trailer, be careful that the old, "if the trailers rocking, don't come knocking, " clich� doesn't apply. Consider doing your thing on the floor, closer to the natural center of gravity to keep the dishes from rattling and the springs squeaking.

Pack it in, pack it out. Most everyone loves getting on, but few of us like dealing with the mess afterwards. Used contraceptives covered in bodily fluids are animal magnets. You should never burn or bury these materials. Store them in a double sealed plastic bag with the rest of your trash and pack it out for proper disposal. You shouldn't keep used or soil materials in your tent with you either.

Keep things private. Sometimes the urge can come at the most inopportune time and one thing can lead to another. Make sure that some passionate kissing doesn't turn into an outdoor spectacle of afternoon delight, especially in a frontcountry campground where kids could be passing through.

Don't recreate scenes from Here to Eternity or The Temp. Consummating your love in the water can be a very exhilarating experience but can cause serious medical issues afterwards. A number of water borne diseases can be introduced in compromising areas, as well as a variety of parasites. Natural hot springs are also incubators for a variety of bacteria.

When you roll in the hay, choose the spot wisely. If the urge hits you while out in the woods and you find yourself knocking boots on the ground all natural, choose your real estate wisely. Stinging nettles and even worse, poison ivy, oak and sumac are very unforgiving of being trampled. We actually know of a couple that will remain nameless that ended up in the emergency room after an impromptu frolic.

Never assume you are alone. Anyone who has years of hiking and camping under their belt will tell you this one. Sooner or later your luck is going to run out and not everyone who spots you in the act is going to make a big deal about it. Of course if the whole voyeuristic thing adds to your excitement, then assume you're being watched and carry on. All but one editor on our staff has been caught in the act or stumbled across a couple doing their thing.

If you did bring the kids, forget it. Even if they are in a separate tent on the other side of the campground, children have built in sibling preventative radar. They seem to know just the right times to become ill, need to go to the bathroom, or become afraid of some strange noise they just heard, possibly because you didn't follow advice item number one.

We certainly aren't recommending not answering the call of the wild during a camping trip. If every animal in the woods kept it to a hotel room there wouldn't be any place for a human to stay. Just keep in mind that all sorts of people are sharing the wood with you. You don't want your time alone to become a traumatic experience for a passing child or wind up as a submission for the TV show, Caught On Tape. Just use some common sense and you will have a, "shagadelic," good time without any interruptions.

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